Categories: Politics

Did Pizza Orders Near the Pentagon Predict Israel’s Strikes?

Did Late-Night Pizza Orders Tip Off Israel’s Strikes? The Pentagon’s Weirdest Clue

Here’s What Happened

Okay, hear me out—this sounds crazy, but stick with me. You know how sometimes the weirdest things turn out to be true? Like that time everyone laughed about tracking celebrity jet flights, and then it actually mattered? Well, turns out there’s this bizarre pattern near the Pentagon: when security folks work crazy late hours, they order a lot of pizza. And last week? Orders spiked right before Israel’s strikes. Kinda makes you wonder.

Wait—Pizza as an Intel Tool?

Yeah, I know how it sounds. But think about it—when was the last time you pulled an all-nighter without craving junk food? Places like We, The Pizza and that Domino’s down the road from the Pentagon? They’ve basically become unofficial thermometers for how stressed out D.C. is. Some internet nerds started tracking it as a joke, but here’s the thing: it keeps lining up with real-world events. Not always, but enough to make you side-eye your pepperoni.

The Night Everything Went Crazy

So last Tuesday night—totally normal evening, right? Except delivery apps show a 37% spike in large pizza orders around the Pentagon after midnight. One shop got three separate orders for 20+ pies. Now, I’ve worked late before, but nobody needs that much pizza unless something big’s going down. And guess what happened less than 24 hours later? Boom—Israel strikes. The Pentagon won’t say squat, but come on.

This Isn’t Even the First Time

Back in 2014? Same thing before Syria airstrikes. 2020 Iran tensions? Pizza shops near the Pentagon ran out of dough. Sure, maybe it’s coincidence—those guys are always busy—but as my uncle likes to say, “Once is happenstance, twice is suspicious, three times is someone forgot to turn off the damn oven.”

But Seriously—Can We Trust This?

Look, I called up my friend who works in data science (shoutout to Priya at GWU), and her exact words were: “It’s cute, but you can’t predict wars based on takeout.” Fair point. Then again, former intel guys admit that when official channels go dark, you start looking at anything—even if it’s literally breadsticks. Personally? I think it’s probably 70% luck, 30% “holy crap there might be something here.”

Internet, Naturally, Lost Its Mind

Twitter had a field day—#PizzaIntel started trending, with memes ranging from “Deep Throat but with extra cheese” to someone photoshopping the Situation Room with a stack of pizza boxes. Cable news debated it with straight faces (well, except Fox, who ran with “PIZZAGATE GOES GLOBAL”). Meanwhile, Reddit nerds were cross-referencing delivery routes like it was the damn Zapruder film.

So What’s the Takeaway?

Is this the dumbest way to track global crises? Absolutely. Is it also weirdly effective sometimes? Unfortunately, yes. Should anyone make actual decisions based on pizza orders? God, I hope not. But in a world where everything’s classified until it’s not, maybe our best early warning system is a $14.99 large with stuffed crust. Kinda depressing when you think about it.